An Immodest Proposal
To Prevent the Children of Boers From Being a Burden on Their Parents or Country, and For Making Them Beneficial to the Indigenous Population of South Africa
By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.
It is a melancholy subject indeed, for those who travel from lands afar to visit our beautiful country, where their sensitive eyes are met with the most offensive images of beggars, prostitutes and children in rags. But it is not their wretched condition which is so ghastly and despicable to behold, it is the fact these poor souls are cursed with the ivory skin of those same white devils who are surely responsible for Johannesburg not at present being the modern cradle of democracy and technological advancement, and even the epicenter of civilization itself.
These same whites are the bastards of the farmers who unjustly employ 72% of South Africa’s farmlands for the foolish endeavour of farming. Such a sad state of affairs my countrymen and confederates find ourselves in, that our most precious natural resource is so crudely wasted on agriculture.
Many have speculated on the best course of action to deal with this abasement of our society, but it is only with the recent passing of this most celebrated legislation by our Parliament that I have been inspired to set my mind to working out a final solution to the Boer problem. The wisdom and moral obligation of Julius Malema led him to introduce an amendment to our Constitution that would force these Boers from the lands they inhabit, without any cost to South Africans, as they shall not be compensated in the least for the value of the properties upon which they reside. I laud Malema’s genius, in finding a way to provide our people with more land at no cost!
As to my own part, having weighed the many schemes and machinations of those impostors and confidence men across the seas, I have found them grossly incompetent in their calculations. These most insincere detractors would have the Boer Burden continue to drain our coffers dry in the interest of being “humane.” Therefore, It is my most humble suggestion that we put to use this affliction on our society. Is it not humane to feed the famished and clothe the ragged? Is it not humane to provide the poor with a means of income and self-sustainment? Would any naysayer read at length my proposal, never would they say it is inhumane in the least.
I am assured by our most esteemed Minister of Trade & Industry that a white child, either boy or girl, before reaching the age of 10, is no valuable commodity, and will not fetch more than R500 (USD $42) at market. That is not accounting for the cost of food and rags, which, over a 10 year span would amount to at least 1,000 times that value.
I shall now provide my most humble thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to cause even the least objection from my dearest readers.
I’ve been advised by a very knowledgeable American, Senator Kamala Harris, that a healthy infant is a most delicious, wholesome and gluten-free meal, whether fried, baked or broiled, and I have no doubt it would serve most pleasantly if barbecued or fricasseed as well.
Her most honourable Injustice Ruth Bader Ginsburg informed me that such a delicacy is shamefully wasted in the United States, as far too many Americans forego dining on the infants they have aborted, simply throwing them away without thought or consideration of what a gracious source of nutrition they could provide the many starving homeless masses, who would surely be most grateful for such a fine course.
It is with this knowledge that I offer up to the publick that at the age of 1, these Boer babies be sold at market to persons of class and quality.
This delicacy would bring about a significant increase in tourism, as those with a penchant for the finer things would travel to South Africa if only for the pleasure of enjoying a supple, well-seasoned Boer.
These same travelers would also have a desire to clothe themselves in the soft skins of white children, which, when properly flayed from the bone, make gloves and shoes of most exquisite quality and aesthetic.
Some persons of a desponding temperament would say we might simply cast these Boers from their lands, and let starvation solve the crisis without having to sell and eat children. To these cynics and self-righteous objectors, I counter that, it is not any sort of new custom in these lands for our people to either trade or feast on children. Our tribes have sold and enjoyed the taste of children for centuries. Therefore, to these hypocrites and degenerates, I would say that it is in denial of our ancestors and our storied culture that they argue against my proposal. Were it not for these white invaders, we might very well be serving up such fine meals to foreign emissaries and heads of state, had they not so callously ended such traditions.
Additionally, I ask who among us would, in good conscience and of sound mind, take over the ownership and administration of white-owned watermelon farms? Surely this would be the most damnable act of cultural appropriation there ever was.
However, I am not of such a narrow mind as these. If any man or woman of wisdom and distinction should offer up a better solution, which could be found to be equally humane and just, I would humbly retract this suggestion and applaud their achievement with the utmost respect and sincerity. For I have no other interest or motivation in this endeavour than the betterment of South Africans. My own wife being of an age far past bearing children, we cannot hope to gain a single penny for ourselves.