Wherein the month, and day of the month are set down, the persons named, and the great actions and events of this year particularly related, as will come to pass.
Written to prevent the Patriots of America from being further imposed on by the impostor known as “Q.”
~By Isaac Bickerstaff, Esq.~
I have long consider’d the gross abuse and perversion of “independent journalism” in this Republic, and upon debating the matter with myself, I could not possibly lay the fault upon the craft, nor that medium of communique known as 8chan; but upon those gross impostors, who set up to be the artists and confidence men. I know several learned men who have justifiably scoffed when they see in how wretched a manner that noble art of journalism is treated by a few illiterate traders between us and the stars; who import a daily stock of nonsense, lyes, folly, and impertinence, which they offer to the world as “top secret intelligence” gleaned from the highest levels of Government, tho’ they descend from no greater a height than their mothers’ basements.
It is in this very light that I intend to prove the workings of astrology are far closer to the truth than those moldy breadcrumbs Q baits the mice known as his readers with.
My first prediction is but a trifle, yet I will mention it, to show how ignorant the sottish pretenders are in their own concerns: It relates to the anonymous 8chan user know as “Q.” I have consulted the stars of his nativity by my own rules, and find he will infallibly die upon the 29th of March next, about eleven at night, of a raging case of dysentery; therefore, I advise him to consider of it, and settle his affairs in time.
As to publick affairs: On the 7th of this month (February) there will be an insurrection in Iran, occasion’d by the oppressions of the people, which will not be quieted in some months.
On the 15th of April will be a violent storm on the south-east coast of Italy, which will destroy many yachts and some in the very harbour.
The 9th of May will be famous for the revolt of a whole province or kingdom, excepting one city, by which the affairs of a certain prince in the alliance will take a better face.
On the 21st of June will begin a most important siege, which the eyes of all Arabia and the world will be upon: I cannot be more particular: for in relating affairs that so nearly concern my Confederates, and consequently this Republic, I am forced to confine myself, for several reasons very obvious to the reader.
On the 13th of July news will arrive of a very surprizing event, than which nothing could be more unexpected.
On the 30th of August three wealthy ladies of this Republic will, against all expectation, prove with child, to the great shock of their wives.
I cannot omit one particular accident here at home; that near the end of this month much mischief will be done at my local tavern, McCabe’s, by the fall of a booth. I will be present to circumvent this mischief, but having drank the better part of my weight in whiskey, will be in no condition to act upon my prediction.
On the 23rd of September a famous Hollywood buffoon will die a ridiculous death, suitable to his vocation.
This is the furthest I have proceeded in my calculations for the present year. I do not pretend, that these are all the great events which will happen in this period, but that those I have set down will infallibly come to pass.